$$$ "Paying $11 million to never hear from your father-in-law again is a great deal"-- Steve Schwarzman [NG]

$$$ Fannie, Freddie and the Low-Risk-Investment Myth [Deal Journal]

$$$ Free coffee from Portfolio tomorrow at 30 Wall Street from 7-10 am.

$$$ An Interest Rate What? [Crossing Wall Street]

"Rob Levin has touched virtually every part of this company," CEO Dan Mudd said.

Fannie Mae CEO Dan Mudd Announces Management Restructuring to Drive Capital Management and Credit Loss Reduction Plan [Fannie Mae]

We've always wanted to be friends with Blackstone co-founder Pete Peterson because he's sure to have some side-splitting tales about watching Steve Schwarzman try to masturbate and/or sleep in a water bed, two activities which, anatomically speaking, are damn near impossible for SS to do. The whole him being loaded thing was secondary, and besides, who's to say he's not one of those super cheap billionaires who insists on dividing up the bill according to what each person ate when out to dinner with friends? Recent news, apparently. The Observer's Max Abelson reports that Peterson just bought his pal Leslie Gelb a little apartment on East 69th Street and there was nothing in it for PP. Wasn't anything too flashy, just a $3,040,000 co-op, but he knew living in squalor would make Gelb and the family happy.

"It's perfect for them," Mr. Peterson said. "It's not a large apartment--has kind of a small dinning room and a small living room, and I don't know whether there are two bedrooms or three but they're rather small. ... What I really like is that they like it."

What a Mensch! Pete Peterson Buys Pal Les Gelb a $3 M. Co-op [The Observer]

New Wachovia CEO Robert Steel vowed to turn things around at the bank and he was not kidding. He started with morale boosting pep rallies and marshmallow tower building competitions, and now he's moved on to a not even necessary capital raise that, while probably dilutive to current shareholders, is sure to wow the crowds with Bobby's out of the box thinking, no doubt honed during his time at Goldman Sachs.

Florida-based BankUnited Financial Corp (huge in the option ARM biz in South FL) is down 83 percent YTD. The Office of Thrift Supervision, it's hilariously named regulator, may lower its capital rating. The humidity in Miami is unbearable this time of year. All signs point to fail. David Bishop, however, refuses to come out and say it. The Stifel Nicolaus analyst instead downgraded the firm to sell and danced around the whole thing, writing that the "viability of the bank is increasingly fraying...[and while it] may yet be successful in finding private equity capital to forestall additional regulatory sanctions, we believe there is a good enough chance that this will not come to pass." It's unclear whether Bishop has a longstanding history of not JUST SAYING IT: YOU WILL FAIL, or if his skittishness is a recent phenomenon having something to do with the bank down the road suing everyone's favorite woodland creature for having the pair to do just that.

Related: BankAtlantic Sues Bové

Stifel cuts BankUnited to sell on capital concerns [Reuters]

The topic: FNM and FRE merger. And: Should Bernanke shave it off?

*PLEASE NOTE: In case you did not get it from the headline, this is a rumor. Our sources, while credible, aren't even sure it's true. They received it as a rumor and we pass it on to you as the same. It could be totally false, it could be totally true. Who knows? It's all relative.

**Except for the bit about Bernanke. That debate is actually happening.

Tommy Kim, 27, formerly of UBS, for example, logged 37 days of snowboarding in 2008 after being fired last January. "When I got laid off, it was like, hallelujah," he said.

After the snow melted, he came back to New York, where "I went paint-balling," Mr. Kim said. "I went to Six Flags." Now: "I stay up late, wake up late, go to the beach a lot. I play a lot of video games when I can't find people to hang out with."

Recently, Mr. Kim turned his attention to organizing his vast music collection and playing DJ gigs around town, including a Saturday party at the Brooklyn Museum and a few weddings (he was a well-known DJ during his undergrad days at Dartmouth). He's also taking break-dancing classes. And he built himself a new computer, just for the hell of it. Looked up the instructions online, bought the parts, et voilà!

And his job search? "I'm kind of looking," Mr. Kim said. "I decided last week maybe I should be more proactive." It's hard to get worked up, though, because "President Bush extended unemployment by another 13 weeks!" That's $405 a week on top of the "generous" UBS severance.

Bumped Bankers Go Bonkers [Observer]

Good news and bad news. The good news: it's time to start talkin' bonuses again. It's been a while, so this feels great. The bad news: a gaggle of Goldman Sachs employees in Equity and Equity Derivatives will not be purchasing those second homes they've had their eyes on this year. We're told GS is guiding comp down by about thirty percent, which probably means the great performers will be flat and the bottom third-- the least Sachy of the bunch-- will get hit by forty percent or so. While our default is to get irate about this sort of stuff, relative to the non-existent bonuses that'll likely be dolled out by the other banks, it's really not that big a deal.

Kind of a big D however, is that Goldman Sachs IS GOING UNDER, and we're only slightly exaggerating. According to the bearer of bad bonus news, "they are having a terrible year and the past month has seen business in many divisions-- Eq and ED especially-- grind to a halt. While that typically happens in August, I know for a fact that other dealers have not seen that dramatic of a drop off."

$$$ Get out of here [DealBook]

$$$ Sam Waksal spotted in the wilds [The Business Sheet]

$$$ Best Buy [WallStrip]

Even if you claim to have no interest in quitting your job before you eventually get fired and continuing to live the sweet Murray Hill lifestyle you've grown accustomed to by being made the kept boy of a rich older woman, surely you can admit that there's some entertainment value in watching others go down that path. Which is why we suggest looking out for "Cougars: NYC," a reality show now in development that will give us an insider look at life as the hunter and the hunted. God knows when it'll air-- presumably after the tears dry-- but the producers held an open casting call last week at Libation, so you know it's going to be good. According to pussy (cat) Dawn Ellison, who maintains a blog about banging younger men, the series aims to "shatter stereotypes that surround cougars and cubs."

Not content to sit this one out but unsure where to turn? We suggest RSVP'ing to UBS's September 9th Hedge Fund Client reception at L'Escale. It's been internally dubbed a "cougar hunt" and Andrew Cuomo is said to be attending so the upper limit should be almost unfairly high. Consider it good practice.

Related: The Saddest Story Ever Told

Meat and Eat [NYP]

Invite [UBS]