$$$ Morgan Stanley’s $9,000,000,000.00 Check. [Andrew Ross Sorkin]
$$$ The Media Is Wrong About Goldman Sachs, AIG [The Atlantic]
$$$ Steel Wins Dismissal Of Icahn Bid To Block Restructuring [FINalternatives]
$$$ Felix Salmon and Henry Blodget Have a Fight, Make Up [Daily Intel]
Alright people. This is it. If the sight of Goldman Sachs employees voluntarily handling garbage doesn’t stop the hate, they’re going to have to go to DEFCON 1: blow job booth, manned by Blankfein.
The Salvation Army plans to serve 10,000 free dinners across the city this Thanksgiving — meals planned by a star chef, cooked by one of New York’s ritziest caterers and cleaned up by employees of one of Wall Street’s most vilified financial firms. The number of meals is 10 times as many as last year and come at a time when more and more Americans are struggling to put food on the table.Three hundred employees of Goldman Sachs Group Inc., Wall Street’s richest firm, have volunteered for the holiday feast and will be tasked with taking out the garbage.
So I was getting a haircut after lunch today (York Barbershop, 71st and Lex), and Oliver Stone & co. walked in to inspect the place. According to my barber, they’re shooting MNS there, presumably all day, on Tuesday and Wednesday of next week. However, I overheard murmurs that it might be too cramped, in which case the Waldorf barbershop would be a contender. No word on how this affects Shia’s helmet hair.
Things have been pretty dark for Dick Bové ever since her man, the “brilliant” Ken Lewis was essentially forced out of his job. Other analysts, the colder, unfeeling ones probably wouldn’t have taken it so personally, but Lewis is Bové’s guy and she can’t help it, this hurts, bad (also, she’s just always been a sensitive and highly strung person). Sorry if that’s too much for you to handle but Ken Lewis meant a lot* to the Rochdale rising star. It felt good and empowering to lose it in a tear-stained note to clients, in which she put the words “No other banker in this country can equal Mr Lewis’s achievements and yet every banker wishes s/he could” out there but it didn’t change anyone’s mind and she’s just felt completely helpless for almost two months now. She knows she should be strong for KL but she just can’t. She’s lost weight, she’s gained weight, she’s gone on booze-fueled sex rampages wherein she’ll fuck the first thing in her line of vision, in an attempt to silence the pain but nothing’s helped.
This morning when she woke up underneath a pile of empty pints of Ben and Jerry’s after crying herself to sleep, she couldn’t even summon the strength to get out of bed. But then, something happened. In the other room, she heard Charlie Gasparino’s voice on CNBC, which she’d left on the night before. Lewis’s name was mentioned and, at first, figuring CG was just going to be talking shit about her man, Bové pulled the covers over her head. Then Chaz started saying something about how the board still hasn’t found a replacement and Divé shot out of bed. She ran into the other room wearing only the oversized tee-shirt bearing Lewis’s face she’d had made a few years ago. Biting her nails in fear that her ears were playing tricks on her, Mrs. Lewis (someday?) rewound the DVR. It was true! BAC still hasn’t come up with an ideal candidate willing to take the job. Feeling like her old self for the first time in a long time, she sat down to write. And write she did.
“Mr. Lewis was a key architect in the creation and management of Bank of America. He knows this company better than anyone else and he knows how to operate it,” Bove wrote in a research note issued early Friday morning. “At this point in the company’s history, this is the type of leader needed. Convincing him to return would be the biggest morale builder that management could get.”
Charlie Gasparino reports that the Bank of America board “really, really” wants to finally pick someone to take the job of boozing it up at happy hour and then returning to the office and saying “How ‘bout we do Merrill this time? That’ll be fun.” According to Gasparino, BAC is in a rush to get it done because they’re “sick of all the controversy surrounding the selection” and also maybe perhaps because Ken Lewis is out of there in like 5 weeks, so it would be nice if they could figure this out before then. A source of Chaz claims they’re going to try and do so this Sunday, though given that the board still pretty much as no idea who they want (or who’s desperate enough to take the gig) it will likely be a long night. For reasons lost on us, they’re still yet to get in touch with John Thain, who remains ready and willing.
A few weeks ago I told you to mark your calendars for the social event of the year. At the time I said it was the SAC Capital Giant Balloon Inflation Party. I lied. The balloon blowing is still going on (this Saturday in fact) but it is not the extravaganza you need to drop all previously made plans for. Do you know what’s going to happen on December 8th? I don’t think you do otherwise you’d be working yourselves into a frenzy along with me. I’m not even sure you’re fully prepared for what I’m about to lay on your asses and you probably never will be so I’m just going to say it now: STEVE COHEN MAGIC NIGHT. And when I say “STEVE COHEN MAGIC NIGHT” I mean it in two ways. First, Steve Cohen, the magician. Second, Steve Cohen, the man who makes the world a more magical place by simply existing. That’s right—doubly penetrated by magical SC’s.
Were you a member of an elite group of individuals taken before their time known as the Lehman Brothers associate class of 2008? Were you robbed of the chance to toil under the Gorilla for more than a few weeks because oops the firm went out of business? (And speaking of that: do you blame yourself? Dick Fuld certainly does.) Those $40k signing bonuses you got and probably already spent are going to need to be paid back, ASAP.
The requests are allegedly coming from PricewaterhouseCoopers, which is administering Lehman’s estate in the UK. “More than 60% of my class received this letter around two weeks ago,” says one former Lehman associate. “We’re seeking legal opinions on whether we have to pay it back.”
The Dollar Dominatrix turns the big 4-0 today. Apparently there’s going to be a big bash at the MDubs Advisory Group later today set to include—-spoiler alert— a Vikram-shaped piñata. In the meantime, let’s put our heads together and come up with a gift from DB. What do you get for the Dom who has everything? If you were going to say cat o’ nine tails, that’s out— Lloyd’s already called dibs.
$$$ Pequot Worker Told Therapist That Samberg Demanded Insider Tips [Bloomberg]
$$$ Dick Bove’s Top BofA CEO Candidates [The Deal]
$$$ Felix Salmon: Henry Blodget Should Be Banned From The Industry [BI]
$$$ Wells Fargo Needs TARP Money More Than It Admits [Bloomberg]
The holiday party was canceled last year but unlike certain other banks, terrified at the backlash that would result from the sight of their employees enjoying themselves over shrimp puffs, JPM is up to get down with Christ and corporate groping. A few employees are miffed at the fact that they were informed the investment bank’s party will take place in the cafeteria of 270 Park but the point is, it’s happening. JPM’ers should also give thanks that they have not been barred from holding self-funded year-end celebrations.
